Living with regret

All I ever wanted in the natural was to be a good parent.
I’ve never loved 

or wanted to do good 

like 

when I held my babies for the first time.

and It’s what I have failed the worst at.

Jesus you be my reason.  Be all my reasons.

Let my blog help other parents who hurt and regret. #12thstepwisdom

I give YOU my crushing, heavy grief and shame.

Forgive me.
Cleanse me.

🌷🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏🌷


🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏🌷

If You don’t help me, I’m toast.

Amen.

Unfairness


Lord God  our Father,
No one gets to live on this earth

without getting touched

by injustice or betrayal. 


No one.


You know about injustice and betrayal–for certain.



Two specific things come to mind that I am heartsore over: three betrayals within my own extended family system and/or neighborhood.

I’m sorry for hanging on to these bitter thoughts for so many years, God.  You have forgiven me of tons of yucky stuff–I release _____ now, with You helping me.

  Help me to go forward as a free woman, Jesus. 

It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Stand fast in it, and do not submit again to that yoke of bondage.

Don’t let me get distracted, Father.  I want to walk in freedom.

I want to take Your yoke and learn from You. 

I am exhausted and stressed out:

give me rest for my soul, God.
Amen.

white picket fence

Dreams

We’ve all got ’em.

That’s why first love and heartbreak infamously hurts so much.

Everyone who’s older than third grade knows this, right?

When my first husband left me, back in my early twenties, it wasn’t his physical presence that I missed.  That sucked monkey giblets: don’t misunderstand…

but honestly, I didn’t even like him.

 You know what I mean? He was an compulsively unfaithful alcoholic with control issues.

There’s no way I was missing that.

I mean, c’mon.

It was the dream of building a life together.  

That’s what hurt to lose.

Raising children together.  

Growing old together.

My white picket fence.
🌾🌾🌾🌾🌾🌾🌾🌾🌾🌾

So What’s my point here?

Well, I was just thinking about this stuff with Jesus:

and you know what?

He’s bigger than that dream.

The happiness that I am discovering now,

as I walk with my Father:

Knows

No 

Fences.

 

I am content.

Boot camp for my brain

I opened my Youversion app to read the Bible today.
So sad and beleaguered, you guys! Rough, loooong night with health stuff.

I tend to get suicidal when my MS is acting up, so I go to the Bible extra hardcore at those times. Even before I start to think in the morning. Knee jerk I’m training 💪 my brain to automatically do.

Armor up, right?

Oh my sparkly socks.

what I found, my peeps!

God’s been doing great things this year! I just read about some of the ways God’s been at work in the YouVersion Community, and I think you’ll love this. Let’s celebrate together! https://blog.youversion.com/?p

Youversion link this morning

Sooooo encouraging!


I hate fakey sacharin sweet Christian-ese.
It makes things feel worse.
So……. I almost didn’t click on it.

But I’m so glad I did after all!
I did not realize what The Holy Spirit was up to during this pandemic!

6th step for parents who have abused

Need a little help?

I’ve been thinking. About the sixth step. This is hard for parents who’ve abused or neglected their children.

There’s stuff back there that I do not want to own. You know? (It’s probably hard for everyone, but I don’t have to repent for everyone–just me.)

Step Six
“Were entirely ready to have God remove all
these defects of character.”


“THIS is the Step that separates the men from the boys.”

So declares a well-loved clergyman who happens to be one
of A.A.’s greatest friends.

He goes on to explain that any
person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try re-
peatedly Step Six on all his faults—without any reservations
whatever—has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is
therefore entitled to be called a man who is sincerely trying
to grow in the image and likeness of his own Creator.

–BIG BOOK OF AA author anonymous

Just sayin’.

Part of the plan

Ummmm.

Make your light shine  through me ❤️ that was in my devo this morning.

I’m so tired because of ~~fill in the blank~~

God, You’ve got to do this helpingthedisenfranchisedoftheworld business for me. I feel so distracted and beleaguered by my STUFF!!!

Jesus.  PapaGod. Holy Spirit.

Help me. Help us.
Give us power from on high. Like Jesus said.


Don’t let me fail You.
(Sorry God. That was kind of Fruedian.  See what I mean?)

What is going ON here, God? I feel like I’m in prison! The prison of consequences. The prison of my wacked feelings. Depression. Anxiety. Freakedoutness.

deep shaky breath.

I trust You.

Oh Right.

You ARE doing the thing already.
You know perfectly well that I am a shut in. Or a divorcee. It disabled. Or addicted. Or in therapy. Or mentally ill. Or a disabled vet.
You are the One Who gave the devil permission to mess with me and my family, after all. Like in Job.

Image from Youversion

It’s all part of the plan.

 Even my screwups.

It’ll work out.

Suicidal

One of the parts of my illnesses–that I am getting better and better at fighting— is wanting to take my own life—
*Wanting the pain to stop. *Wanting to quit this long distance life-race. *Wanting to decide__God-like__that I have suffered “enough” and I am going to kill myself. *Wanting to take my life into my own hands
Social taboo
People don’t talk about this enough__and that’s flat. Part of the healing in group therapy is talking and listening, right? Finding out that your feelings are normal. I mean, right? next time someone tells me “I just want to kill myself”… I’m going to say, without batting an eyelid, I’m sorry. I hate it when I feel like that. Then just sit there and be at peace with them. And maybe go for an 🍨. Just sayin’

Escape unkindness

” The phrase, “on those who take refuge in You,”

definitively means that when you find yourself

in the

Brilliant habit

of fleeing to God

for protection during the storms of life,

you will

most certainly

receive

His goodness.”

– you version devo this morning “Refined_Finding Joy in the Midst of the Fire”

I needed this.

Woke up feeling overwhelmed by ______ and dreading my day.

Ran to Jesus in His Word because ….what else am I gonna do?

#desperationisagift

Refuge