Door of hope

If, through the process of healing and growth, you have found yourself in that in-between place that feels like an abyss, understand that He is the pro at restoring the years you feel have been lost. Don’t try to construct a spaceship to get you back to earth as quickly as possible. Most of us are ill-equipped to man, much less assemble, that ship. He IS working all things together for good, even if you cannot see or fathom it. Leave space for the space. **Fellow wordpress blogger kerri on purpose

Photo by Agung Pandit Wiguna on


Some kids that I care about are making bad choices right now.

Broken hearted parent

I know Jesus will not blow sunshine about this.
He will tell me the truth.

Not everything that my kids do as adults is about me

But some of it is.

Parenting mistakes

I did make some really bad mistakes
Especially when the twins (child #4 and #5,) were little and I was in the worst of my addiction and disassociation and losing time.

Especially when my kids got older and we got in adult-type arguments.

I remember new stuff all the time. Now that I am flat on my back in bed. I try not to obsess over it.

I own it. I’m sorry.

I’m learning new skills.

That’s all I can do.

God can do more.



Those bad choices stole from us.

I’m grafted in to Abraham in Jesus. I claim this promise in all it’s spiritual richness and meaning. It’s mine.

He’s got a multi generational plan going here.

I trust Him at His word.

“NEEDTOBREATHE – “LET’S STAY HOME TONIGHT” [Live From Celebrating Out of Body]” on YouTube

I was just thinking about something with Jesus.

Hubby and I have friction over whether to go out or stay home quite a bit.

Bring it on!

We have regular dates

1. once a week for conflict resolution

2. and once a week for fun.

And he will often say he wants to stay home.

While I have been home all the time and want to get out of my sickbed and see something beside my walls.


This song came to my mind as I was pondering……so I looked it up on YouTube and was listening to it again prayerfully with God.

I suddenly saw that this– our home– is my husband’s Oasis.

he’s safe here.

He can rest and relax and let his hair down in respite.

Of course he would not want to leave it!

It’s sweet that he wants me to be in it with him.

I think instead of being resentful at him and thinking he wants me to be constricted and limited,

I will reframe it reboot my heart

and find it endearing

that he wants to be safe at home with me.

We still need to compromise maybe every other time we can go out or something. I need that.


it helps me to understand where he’s coming from you know?




Feel the burn

Lord God
I have some horrible things in my past.
Things that were done to me.  That I knew about.  That I was powerless to stop.

Things that i did, myself.  Blindly.  Foolishly.  Arrogantly.  To my shame.  To my sorrow.

You know.  You were sorta THERE, however that works with sin.

Can I pray for us?

As our representative, I want to wipe the slate clean, Father.
Do not hold these sins against us.

Just let it go.

Haven’t we all suffered enough by now?

I absolve my perpetrators. 
The folks who enabled them. 
And Myself.

In the sheltering name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth God come in the. Flesh, I pray for us:


I forgive it.  It’s Yours God.  You make it right. 
I cry  mercy. 
I plead the sweet cleansing shining 🌟 blood of Jesus
over these sins.

Set us all free.  You can do anything, Father.



Schizzle. “

Cauterize my heart 💜


Mama Jen



And I’ll stand on that.

  1. My Higher Power
  2. 12 Step group.
  3. Celebrate recovery.
  4. Working my program.
  5. Accountability.
  6. I Peter 5:17.
  7. Forgiveness

That’s what has finally


for me

after thirty years

of fighting

with this bad boy.

I was telling my best friend\hubby person–

I suddenly realized.the other day….

it’s been 10 years

of abstinence

from my addiction du jour.

  • There was a season
  • when I did the CR meeting
  • and 12 step group
  • and personal inventory

Hard struggle.
Then we built the house and learned about that. Then I got really sick and tried to die. Still doing that one.

    It sort of snuck up on me, you know?

    #too busy living.

    There was a time.

    I remember it vividly.

    When I told my counselor

    I cannot live without this thing.I cannot imagine going even one day without this thing! 🌻

    I have learned

    how to have

    a bad feeling

    in a healthy way.

    ( Oxymoron?)

    I am a free woman.


    My husband prays for our lost son every morning. It’s like his thing.


    You might know this: we have prodigal son.

    I think about him every day.

    Wake up hurting over his rejection every morning.

    I grew up knowing this story from the Bible.


    I never thought about what the prodigal mom must have been feeling.

    I don’t want to get all mushy here. Life goes on.

    As my hubby reminds me often: we have four other kids who are still here. True. And this grief has been life shaping for all of us.
    His siblings miss him too.

    I also never thought of that (prodigal’s siblings), growing up with this story told in Sunday school.
    It’s like he died, you guys.
    Whew that hurts! Reboot my heart.

    I still have

    summer rain. Jesus send us some for the fires. Send us some for our broken hearts.

    Pie crust

    Play dough. Esp red play dough. The salty smell. Nothing like it. Opening a new perfect can. Remember?

    Bread dough, which is play dough for grown ups.

    Trying a new recipe. Yesterday I made lemon bars.

    “Love Punch” with Emma Thompson and Pierce Brosnan. Love that movie. Seen it four times. Highly recommended.

    Help us Jesus. It’s hard down here sometimes. 🌻