Breakthrough

​Looking through old blog entries, and I found this rough draft from right before I started fasting about my family.  So I finished it and published it.  You ever pray something and then get involved with other stuff and forget you prayed for that?

I didn’t even know fasting was for normal-average-people-21st-century folks!  I never would have seriously considered this.

But I found a book somewhere: Fasting to Freedom – the gift of Fasting by Chantel Ray.

I want to post this today because I’m actually doing it!   “to break the yoke of oppression” (Isaiah) off of my family.

I expect to be posting about some wonderful things in answer to my desperation. (God YOU are on the hook. Not to be bossy. Just desperate.)

I could not have accomplished this

 without that book

and without Jesus. 

Strike that.  

Reverse it

Rough draft I found today:

I am deeply troubled about my family, God.

We have some gnar-gnar issues.  

Complicated. 

Painful

distracting

 controversial.

!!!!!!!!!!


I

 need You

God

OR I AM toast.

 

I need Your mercy and power and grace.
What do I do Father?

I need wisdom.

I am searching.

Thank You JESUS for my sick bed : it forces me to slow down; it lets me focus. 🙏🌷🙏

Thank YOU for that book I found. 🙏🌷🙏

Thank YOU for the Holy Spirit: my personal Counselor: I cannot live without You. 🙏🌷🙏

🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏

God ,You know Everything: You know I’m just a regular lady

but

I want you to help my family!!!!!I

Come.

Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

Silver lining 🌌

found another good thing which God hath accomplished by saying

no ┗(•ˇ_ˇ•)―→

to my prayers for healing over the last ten years.

There are things, you guys, which I have longed for in my marriage and parenting, and which

no 👎

amount

of good behavior, fasting, or constant prayer seemed to effect…..

Drum roll please

….

I am seeing them come true before my

delighted 

eyes.

#encouraged

#Godneverwastesahurt

#dreamsdocometruewithJesus’help

🌷🙏🌷🙏🌻🙏🌷🙏🌻🙏🌷🙏🌻🙏🌷🙏🌻🙏🌷🙏🌻.

Play to your weaknesses

God never wastes a hurt, right?

I want to blog 

about putting my child

 in a mental hospital 

when she was nine.

Ummmm…

Big mistake

Not what I thought.  

Not What my counselor thought.

we thought it would be a safe place

 to get her started on meds and stabilized.

Safe, it was NOT.

Now there are hospitals and then there are hospitals.  You know?

But

 we are still getting over that experience seventeen years later.

😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓

Not what we needed 

Not the best place for her.

I wish we could have just canceled all our engagements and stayed home til the counselor was available, then had an intensive weekend therapy session or something and then two hour weekly sessions with in-house blood work while we got her meds started.

That’s not realistic, 

(I wish there was something like that!)

but

 as close as we could get to that

 would have been better 

than an inpatient lock down facility 

for a nine year old who was starting fires in her toy box!

  She didn’t need to be in with older kids and teens who had some scary issues going on.  All the screaming and mandatory blood tests that she heard EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK.  Missing her family.  Not being able to go home when we wanted to get her out.  Criminetly!

Help me Jesus.

I’m yours. 🌻

Use my voice.
I wanna rock the world for GOOD 

and 

for other hurting families.

I’ll Wait

 for YOUR Spirit to blow on my words.

I trust 

YOUR timing

This is Your show. 🌻

​I want to help people and play to my weaknesses.

Like Paul in the Bible. Yeah.

I need a hug.  Do you?

Flashback nightmares ⚡

Jesus.

Thank you for this uncomfortable and debilitating mental problem.

Holy Spirit help me to submit and learn from my stuff instead of wasting my energy fighting it.
I intensely want Your comfort.  My vision of myself and my life is broken.  I am weary in every way.

I need You God.  I intensely want You. 🌻🌷🌻🌷🌻

Refresh my hope 💔

Lift my chin 👍👍👍

Renew my strength 💪


(Image from YouVersion)

🌻 self-hatred

This has been one of the strangest parts of my recovery.

And

The longest lived.

I don’t think I am the only one.

I don’t have to cut myself or do meth or some obviously malevolent action to express my ill wishes toward me.  Though self-harm and drug use are real problems for some of us; we can find more subtle ways to be mean.  It’s a thing.

I doubt I am the only one. Right?
I have absolutely refused myself aid and forgiveness many times.

I have made self-destructive choices: whether it’s

  • bingeing on sugar
  • refusing myself exercise
  • staying up past my bedtime
  • Not dressing warmly when It’s cold (there’s more to that than it seems)
  • Denying myself good food (because we have to save that for ___)

It’s like I have wanted to punish myself for being abused, for being weak, for betraying myself, especially for being a bad mom.  (That one hurts!)

I’m my 50th year, I think I am finally gonna defeat this Goliath.  At least do some SERious damage.

It’s time for a rematch. 🌻

God give me one thing

by which

I can do good

to myself

today.

Time to make myself a cup of tea ☕ and partake of some yoga.  I like this one:  yoga for sciatica with adriene

because I can do the exercises from my bed.  #baby steps

Be well my friend.

Let us all be well.  Even folks who have ________ and regret it soooo much .🌻

Flash back recovery

I went to sleep worried about my closely related offender, and feeling guilty for unfriending him.  His life is so pathetic and sad!  You know?
It’s complicated when you grew up with your offender.

I’ve always felt super responsible for this person.  I know how bad it was for us growing up:  I was there.

Some of you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Ambivalence.  That’s what the text books call it.

Disturbing.
That’s what it’s like

 when someone you love

is

someone you also need to be afraid of.

Most of my nightmare was about me trying to convince my family of a rather unusual thing:

that this guy is capable of killing me and my kids and they need to not tell him where I live.

And them

not being able to

believe me.

Yikes.

I want to blog this So that other people who love and also fear their family members, and people whose family choose not to believe them about crimes that have been committed…can know they are not alone. 🌷

It’s crazy-making, isn’t it?

I know how you feel friend.

Grief is great.

Let us be good to one another.

–the magicians nephew by cs lewis

#truth

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


Overrated

WILLPOWER IS AN OVERRATED PILE OF TROLL WEAVELS.

And I’ll stand on that.

  1. My Higher Power
  2. 12 Step group.
  3. Celebrate recovery.
  4. Working my program.
  5. Accountability.
  6. I Peter 5:17.
  7. Forgiveness

That’s what has finally

worked

for me

after thirty years

of fighting

with this bad boy.

I was telling my best friend\hubby person–

I suddenly realized.the other day….

it’s been 10 years

of abstinence

from my addiction du jour.

  • There was a season
  • when I did the CR meeting
  • and 12 step group
  • and personal inventory

Hard struggle.
Then we built the house and learned about that. Then I got really sick and tried to die. Still doing that one.

    It sort of snuck up on me, you know?

    #too busy living.

    There was a time.

    I remember it vividly.

    When I told my counselor

    I cannot live without this thing.I cannot imagine going even one day without this thing! 🌻

    I have learned

    how to have

    a bad feeling

    in a healthy way.

    ( Oxymoron?)

    I am a free woman.

    Blogs ROCK 🎸pretty much

    first, I have been walking through the hardest time I’ve ever known the last ten years or so. Ugh. I feel like Mrs Job sometimes!

    So many tears and sleepless flashback-ey nights (is that a word?) and lonely achey broken-heart and whatnot. You know the drill.

    I got so desperate that I had to start a blog for myself (and hopefully others too, but honestly that did not really occur to me until the last year or so. I was just desperate for encouragement myself. #surviVal

    –I am by far my best follower, and that’s okay. (💰 where my 👄 is.) But if I can help other PEOPLE, that is ESPECIALLY when I start to love it.

    My friends and family cannot carry me. I found that out at about six months of being sick. They cannot babysit me. Would I really want them too? It would kind of spoil it.

    NOT that I don’t think they’re all FABulous, cause they are and I totally do.

    #luckygirl

    So here I am.

    And my psychological issues are so monumentally difficult for me that I need to remind myself and re-center many times each day. My blog let’s me do that.

    —I don’t think my life is any harder than yours, btw, it’s just mine you know? I bet some of you could tell stories that would top mine by about ten miles.—

    I named my blog REBOOT MY HEART because that’s what I need to do. 🌻 and maybe I’m not alone.🌻

    Me and God are determined to break my family cycle of ritual abuse and witchcraft and mental illness and crime and depression and anxiety…

    …for the sake of my children and their children and their children. (God enabling me, of course. )

    Know what I mean? I mean with you’re own stuff.

    Jesus.

    We need YOU.

    come. 🌻

    Fill us and

    light up our world 🌎

    You are amazing God. We are comPLETELY in love with YOUR gentle, kind, wise ways. 💕🌻🌷😁,

    What would we do if You were a jerk? Umm…you’re GOD.

    But You’re not. A jerk, I mean. 😍

    Show Yourself strongly to me and my friends and help us all to believe in fairy tales and poetic justice and happy endings again.

    Like my main man CSlewis said,

    Some things are just too good NOT to be true.🌻