My man and me:
we’re in a growth season right now
which means a lot of stress and pressure
so weaknesses are going to come out of both of us more than normal.
That is extremely health-ennabling.
I have loved you.
Part of me always will.
But I can’t stay here anymore, darling.
I’m moving toward the Light.
Come too, if you will.
But I’m not going back
and I can’t keep track of you.
We got my new scooter today.
My husband and kids helped me take it out of the box and set it up.
I rode it around the house and LugNut, our chihuahua mix, rode in the basket.
I was gonna take it out for a spin around the neighborhood, but I Suddenly discovered that I had used up all my energy for today (as is typical for someone who has chronic illness).
So my boys carried it back up the stairs, unused. My husband and I shifted our gears; I went to bed.
I will try it tomorrow.
But that was nice. Our family hasn’t had that much fun for a long, long time.
It felt pretty good. 🌷🌻🌷
I have an opportunity to help at my church as a chat host. I said I would pray and ask my husband.
( Hubby and I ask each other if we’re gonna do big or expensive stuff. we talk it out.)
(But if we can’t agree, someone gets the final word. It’s him.)
I asked him:
he said absolutely not.
Screeching brakes. Shattering glass. Smell of burnt rubber.
(I didn’t say that outloud. But I felt like it!)
People: I feel like I’m keeping my
foot on the break in my life,
with my hopes and dreams—-
on a hill
in SAN FRANCISCO! (Infamously hilly town)
There’s even a little annoying voice in my head that says, “your man is too timid. He’s holding you back, J. Don’t listen to him.
Go do what you want anyway.
You know you can overwhelm his natural reticence and caution
by the sheer force of your personality.”
Yep. I do. I’ve done it before.
Not a pretty picture. Don’t ask.
Help. Jesus. Help.
I feel like Eve: “Be like God, girl!”.
Be your own woman. Go for it.
Move ahead of Mr. StodgyandTimid and into your destiny!”
More later. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
It’s challenging to find balance when my addiction is a behavior that continues to be a necessary part of my life, don’t you find? It’s like with an eating addiction, you’re not ever going to stop eating. But you can find new ways to think and talk about eating.
Sexual addiction has been my row to hoe. Sexuality, as a married woman, needs to be a healthy part of my life. But am i still able to walk in purity in my mind, you know?
Regarding my addiction du jour: coming up on ten years of abstinence. It feels pretty good. It does get easier, but an occasional rematch is still called for.
I am not beyond falling off the wagon. Ever. I walk careful. I mean right?
I find that so much of addiction involves MY THINKING. I depend on the Holy Spirit to help me. Some of my triggers are very subtle in the beginning, which is when I want to catch any imbalance.
I have to STAY in the Bible every morning. That’s part of my recovery. If I spend my energy putting GOOD IN, then I don’t have to worry as much about keeping bad stuff OUT.
I don’t read romance novels. Or even go down that aisle in the grocery store. Just maintenance for me. Not for every Christian woman, necessarily.
I watch my language. No, I don’t mean what you would think by that. I mean how I am talking.
If I talk about my sexual-ness as a way to bless my marriage, keep holy secrets, and show my loyalty to God instead of a way to prove something to the 🌎 or be selfish or destroy myself, then my thinking tends to fall in line with that.
I love my life. I love my freedom. I respect myself. I am learning to be kind to myself.
‘My people have been lost sheep; their shepherds have led them astray and caused them to roam on the mountains. They wandered over mountain and hill and forgot their own resting-place.
Jeremiah 50:6 NIVUK
Feminine mystique. It’s an important thing.
My hubby and I often go at it 🔨 and tongs
you see what I’m sayin?
I don’t want you to feel false guilt and shame
because we didn’t finish that good thing we tried to do.
I accept you the way you are.
You are my man.
I chose YOU twenty-five years ago at a lighthouse in Newport, Oregon.
Hitched my wagon to your 🌟
People can’t be perfect, you know?
Well they shouldn’t have to try.
That’s why Jesus came, isn’t it?
To set 🌎 free from the rat race?
makes the 🌎 world go ’round.
We have always had a very matriarchal home.
Both of us had bossy moms and invisible dads, bless them:
So go figure.
I have been praying my GUTS out about this for ten years or so. Since I got sick anyways.
Both of us are out of balance, you know? It feels yucky.
So I saw a little piece of my answer the other day. 🌻
we’ve both been going to counseling for years. (SERiously messed up.)
Hubby planned (!) a Christmas tree thing for us.
He made sure we all went.(!!)
We had fun. (!!)
We did not fight. (!!!)
It was so great.
**We went and got a Christmas tree
** listened to fun music
**bought trimmings at Walmart.
It was a beautiful day.
Then we came home and I collapsed (health) and Dillon and the kids fixed up the tree. 🌻
me getting sick has been a great gift for our marriage,
(though it’s like to kill both of us. Yikes!)
If a man is going to have the chutzpah to lead, a woman has to have the chutzpah to LET him, you know?
That kind of change takes an act of God and a little courage. (Read chutzpah\faith).
It’s a two-way street.
Either way, toward good or bad right?
so…Christmas shopping. Yeah.
My heart is full of that memory. 🌻
Our first family trip on which we did NOT fight.
I should blog this. (I just did, right?)
I’m not the only
who loves God
a timid man
who also loves God.
He loves my spunkiness.
I love his laid-back-ness.
We can work with this.
Hubby 💖 invited me to join him
in a study on the Advent at Youversion.
first time we’ve done something like that–im usually the one who wants to do stuff. He’s been more laid back in the past.
(Just want to keep it real, folks.)
I’m pretty sure that my formidable feminine competence is shooting me in the foot with that. Both of us have been to blame for our mostly matriarchal (in the first fifteen years or so) home.
He’s been scared to lead
too scared and ticked off to let him. You know?
so this is another gift 🎁 that my long-term illness is giving us.
It’s working out great!
I’m just grateful; just right now. Quietly and ecstatically.
Jesus went through a lot for us. A lot. The three\one of them were setting this up for ever. Starting in Genesis 3.
He is the Lamb slain from the foundations of the world, right?
So we don’t have to do this alone.
And ’cause He’s just like that. 💕