Breakthrough

​Looking through old blog entries, and I found this rough draft from right before I started fasting about my family.  So I finished it and published it.  You ever pray something and then get involved with other stuff and forget you prayed for that?

I didn’t even know fasting was for normal-average-people-21st-century folks!  I never would have seriously considered this.

But I found a book somewhere: Fasting to Freedom – the gift of Fasting by Chantel Ray.

I want to post this today because I’m actually doing it!   “to break the yoke of oppression” (Isaiah) off of my family.

I expect to be posting about some wonderful things in answer to my desperation. (God YOU are on the hook. Not to be bossy. Just desperate.)

I could not have accomplished this

 without that book

and without Jesus. 

Strike that.  

Reverse it

Rough draft I found today:

I am deeply troubled about my family, God.

We have some gnar-gnar issues.  

Complicated. 

Painful

distracting

 controversial.

!!!!!!!!!!


I

 need You

God

OR I AM toast.

 

I need Your mercy and power and grace.
What do I do Father?

I need wisdom.

I am searching.

Thank You JESUS for my sick bed : it forces me to slow down; it lets me focus. 🙏🌷🙏

Thank YOU for that book I found. 🙏🌷🙏

Thank YOU for the Holy Spirit: my personal Counselor: I cannot live without You. 🙏🌷🙏

🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏🌷🙏

God ,You know Everything: You know I’m just a regular lady

but

I want you to help my family!!!!!I

Come.

Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

Processing…

Some kids that I care about are making bad choices right now.

Broken hearted parent

I know Jesus will not blow sunshine about this.
He will tell me the truth.

Not everything that my kids do as adults is about me

But some of it is.

Parenting mistakes

I did make some really bad mistakes
Especially when the twins (child #4 and #5,) were little and I was in the worst of my addiction and disassociation and losing time.

Especially when my kids got older and we got in adult-type arguments.

I remember new stuff all the time. Now that I am flat on my back in bed. I try not to obsess over it.

I own it. I’m sorry.

I’m learning new skills.

That’s all I can do.

But
God can do more.

God
Will
Restore
The

Years

Those bad choices stole from us.

I’m grafted in to Abraham in Jesus. I claim this promise in all it’s spiritual richness and meaning. It’s mine.

He’s got a multi generational plan going here.

I trust Him at His word.

Play to your weaknesses

God never wastes a hurt, right?

I want to blog 

about putting my child

 in a mental hospital 

when she was nine.

Ummmm…

Big mistake

Not what I thought.  

Not What my counselor thought.

we thought it would be a safe place

 to get her started on meds and stabilized.

Safe, it was NOT.

Now there are hospitals and then there are hospitals.  You know?

But

 we are still getting over that experience seventeen years later.

😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓

Not what we needed 

Not the best place for her.

I wish we could have just canceled all our engagements and stayed home til the counselor was available, then had an intensive weekend therapy session or something and then two hour weekly sessions with in-house blood work while we got her meds started.

That’s not realistic, 

(I wish there was something like that!)

but

 as close as we could get to that

 would have been better 

than an inpatient lock down facility 

for a nine year old who was starting fires in her toy box!

  She didn’t need to be in with older kids and teens who had some scary issues going on.  All the screaming and mandatory blood tests that she heard EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK.  Missing her family.  Not being able to go home when we wanted to get her out.  Criminetly!

Help me Jesus.

I’m yours. 🌻

Use my voice.
I wanna rock the world for GOOD 

and 

for other hurting families.

I’ll Wait

 for YOUR Spirit to blow on my words.

I trust 

YOUR timing

This is Your show. 🌻

​I want to help people and play to my weaknesses.

Like Paul in the Bible. Yeah.

I need a hug.  Do you?

Prodigal

My husband prays for our lost son every morning. It’s like his thing.

🌻

You might know this: we have prodigal son.

I think about him every day.

Wake up hurting over his rejection every morning.

I grew up knowing this story from the Bible.

But

I never thought about what the prodigal mom must have been feeling.

I don’t want to get all mushy here. Life goes on.

As my hubby reminds me often: we have four other kids who are still here. True. And this grief has been life shaping for all of us.
His siblings miss him too.

I also never thought of that (prodigal’s siblings), growing up with this story told in Sunday school.
It’s like he died, you guys.
Whew that hurts! Reboot my heart.

I still have

summer rain. Jesus send us some for the fires. Send us some for our broken hearts.

Pie crust

Play dough. Esp red play dough. The salty smell. Nothing like it. Opening a new perfect can. Remember?

Bread dough, which is play dough for grown ups.

Trying a new recipe. Yesterday I made lemon bars.

“Love Punch” with Emma Thompson and Pierce Brosnan. Love that movie. Seen it four times. Highly recommended.

Help us Jesus. It’s hard down here sometimes. 🌻

Part of the plan

Ummmm.

Make your light shine  through me ❤️ that was in my devo this morning.

I’m so tired because of ~~fill in the blank~~

God, You’ve got to do this helpingthedisenfranchisedoftheworld business for me. I feel so distracted and beleaguered by my STUFF!!!

Jesus.  PapaGod. Holy Spirit.

Help me. Help us.
Give us power from on high. Like Jesus said.


Don’t let me fail You.
(Sorry God. That was kind of Fruedian.  See what I mean?)

What is going ON here, God? I feel like I’m in prison! The prison of consequences. The prison of my wacked feelings. Depression. Anxiety. Freakedoutness.

deep shaky breath.

I trust You.

Oh Right.

You ARE doing the thing already.
You know perfectly well that I am a shut in. Or a divorcee. It disabled. Or addicted. Or in therapy. Or mentally ill. Or a disabled vet.
You are the One Who gave the devil permission to mess with me and my family, after all. Like in Job.

Image from Youversion

It’s all part of the plan.

 Even my screwups.

It’ll work out.

Anxiety Management 101

I was thinkin’ about this verse in I Peter.
Peter was a fisherman right? So he was probably thinking of casting— as in fishing. Don’t you think? With this in mind, I looked up a video of net fishing. I wanted to get the image of casting the nets in my mind. This is how I want to live my life. I want to cast with same energy as a fisherman does who wants to get those mullets. “How To Throw A Cast Net Step by Step – Captain Mike Then I was thinking further about loading my net. According to Captain Mike in the video, that is all absolutely pivotal in net fishing. Nothing successful can happen without it. If I don’t load my net properly: when I cast it, it’s gonna get all tangled up or even injure me!
Life is hard and we need each other
As I was praying\pondering further, I thought of the context of this passage. Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God That in due course He may lift you up.
Humble and confident
My attitude of habit. What is it? That’s how I position my heart to make that cast. I am intentional about loading my net. I submit to my suffering and don’t fight it. I don’t talk smack about my future. I don’t be nosey and snarky and judge-y, God helping me. I remind myself that I cannot make everything work with my formidable feminine competence.

Then I make my cast,

Hurling my net of fussing and worry

out

upon the waters of my life and my day.

Trusting that God will be there with all his beneficent bounty Trusting that He knows I am dust and I need my light bill paid and my lunches packed. Trusting that He knows about my mental illness, my insecure boss or hubby, my cranky teen, and my fight with my best friend. Trusting that He’s the Lord of the sea 🙏 and He knows I’ve been fishing all night and I’m tired.