curve ball 🌻

The perfect storm:

In 1993, I was grieving a septuple whammy from life.

  •  bam! finding out, through a bizarre series of coincidences  that my closely-related offender was currently abusing my little cousin
  • bam! Going with my best friend\mentor to the county police near my home with this gut-wrenching knowledge, finding out that I could only report my own abuse by this family member, as I was witness to that.  I did report that old abuse.
  • Bam! shunned in a dramatic series of phone calls by my beloved family, who, to a woman, (including fellow victims and my mom!) chose to side with my favored, golden-boy offender and believe his clever lies that he was not abusing, that I was mentally ill and that I was merely seeking to destroy our family.
  • bam! Nothing from my dad or any other male relative. Silence. I don’t think most of my family even knew.  How do you talk about something like that?
  • Bam!  Losing my  fledgling marriage to this sordid scandal and to (unrelated?) infidelity
  • Bam! Expelled from my Portland area Bible college for moving out of my shared-with-husband home and into a small room that I could afford by myself, then foolishly asking a trusted male professor to pray for me. ( I can see now, how it must have looked.  I was young and innocent.)
  • bam! Having moved to another town, went out with a much older coworker, tried alcohol for the first time, woke up in his bed pregnant

Date rape.

I never thought that awful thing could happen in my perfectly planned-bible-thumping-runningfrommyupbringing life.

badly disappointed, I somehow held on to my faith, not sure how.

Ummm…why?
Those were tough times. 💔

I had seen a girlfriend choose abortion after a rape, and I saw how that devastated her.  Empty arms.  Broke her up.

Didn’t want that.

Therefore, I began working with Holt adoption services out of Eugene, Oregon.

I interviewed and selected my adoptive family.

I found a support group and a good counselor in my new city.

I found a nurturing-safe-biblepreaching-holyspiritlead-church and began to heal.  there are churches and there are churches.  You know? I was accepted like I was family.  Weekly counseling with the minister and his wife.  Fasting and prayer with them. The church welcomed me with open arms.

Deliverance began.

Then backlash:

Bam! Lost my job—older male co-worker said I was making it up and he wasn’t the father.  (I did have a boyfriend, so I can see how it might have looked.)

Bam! Lost my apartment.

Bam! Lost my health. Preeclampsia.  Hospitalized.  incredibly high blood pressures, threatened organ failure. Almost died.

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻
Induced. 52 hour labor.

Baby girl.

Love at first sight.
I changed my mind about adoption.  Had a paradigm shift.

I got to bring this beautiful 🎁 home.  I could hardly believe it!

The baby began a healing in my heart.  Everything fell in to place.  My purpose.  My spirituality.  Everything.  Reversing all the yuckiness.  Redeeming it.

My new church family hung in there with me.

Some kind people neighborhood folks took me in for after the baby came– until I could get into state housing.

Other kind people were my friends and helped me get stuff for my baby, visited me. Gave me books.  Helped me learn.

I graduated from counseling.  Met a very, very young man. (Like wetbehindtheears) I asked my pastor to check him out.  Turns out he knew the young man’s pastor.  They had lunch before we did. 🌻 he gave me 👍.

No quick fixes here.   I have continued counseling and prayer ( off and on) for the last quarter-century.
We’ve been married twenty-five years.  Four other children.

Happily ever after right? (Well, mostly, but that’s a different story.)🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Things to love 🌻

  • Getting ready for work in a dark quiet house
  • Young love 💘
  • Old married couples 💘
  • Newly painted rooms
  • Hardwood floors
  • Spring breezes
  • Waiting for vegetables to grow
  • Grandma hugs
  • Avon catalogs
  • Lipstick samples
  • Sub sandwiches with all the veggies
  • Baby chicks at Wilco
  • Cold coke with ice
  • Getting a ☕
  • Electric kettles
  • Baking 🍞

Weird but happy

I know this sounds un-progressive and un-emancipated, (doesn’t it?) I am grateful to the women’s movement, but I think it has swung too far Gone the way of the labor union, you know?

out of balance.

I’ve seen it hurt a lot of women and children.

missing their kids and fighting their husbands about chores and tired all the time and never having Romance And not having time. and a lot of kids missing their mommies and not having anyone to teach them right from wrong who loves them (although we try our best on this one) So we live on hubby’s income, which involves many temporary sacrifices. We’re happy.

FACTUALLY

Think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Woke up hurting over our prodigal. Early morning waking. Normal part of rethinking a trauma. 🌻 Super fun. 😬 frozen smile This verse instructs me. There’s things that are yucky. Nothing I do will change that. 💔 But I can control how I think about them.

I want You Jesus. I love You. You are what’s right in my crazy, mixed up 🌎.

https://bible.com/reading-plans/18509/day/7?segment=0

( ⬆ Cool mnemonic device)

Never

What would I do if someone took You away from me?

I would take to bleeding inwardly.  A mortal wound.

If I ever lost You

But no one ever can. Period.

Jesus made sure of that.

He is with me all the time.

The Holy Spirit:  Not how I’m used to being left. John 14 The Message, baby!

I’m sealed:  I  CAN’T lose Him.

He left the ninety-nine and came to get me.  He’s the good Shepherd who lays down His life for the sheep.
You are my one thing, God.

John 14:25

Bind up our broken hearts like You said in Isaiah 61.

We’re waiting and trusting.

You’re on the hook, God. 🌻

Controlfreak

My notes of two years ago:

Self control has always been an issue. I think I was too busy surviving my Vietnam childhood to learn some things.

Also I think I made a few vows that went something like:

when I grow up nobody’s going to boss me around

You guys: Those choices, though made unaware and in the bosom of my childhood, created a monster.

I was talkin to my brother about about the verse where Jesus set his face like a flint and and headed to Jerusalem and the cross.

We were trying to figure out which fruit of the spirit that illustrates..

Self control.

And I’ve decided,

I’m just going to pray about it because I have tried really hard to be good for years and years and haven’t made a whole lot of progress in this area.

So I’m ready to ask God for help

I’ll let you know how it works out.